Monday, January 2, 2012

Why can't I let go of resentment?

I am unable to sleep tonight, which has brought out a terrible battle within me.  Deep sorrow claws at me on nights like this. Thoughts of regret, anger, resentment and hostility are all hovering around me as an aura. 

I still am harboring all sorts of negative emotions towards a certain ex of mine. I was with him years and years ago, and still I feel all the pain he inflicted on me like it was yesterday. I was no saint with him, in fact, he brought out the worst aspects of me that I still cringe at the thought of. He always believed me when I was lying and pressed me hard for the truth when I was genuine. He pushed when I needed tenderness, and was tender when I needed firm. He never could read one page of me without seeing only what he wanted. He saw me as a saint where I was a sinner, and he saw only strength in my weakness. He was as un-genuine as they come, always rattling out stupid phrases of love and sentiment when he didn't understand the words at all. When I truly needed him, he would leave. When I needed to be alone, he would insist upon staying close to me. He had no regard for his appearance, both physical and impressionable, leaving me at many times to apologize for him in public.  He could rarely be serious, the sole exception his frequent anger, portrayed in a most frightening display of cold silence. He tried to buy forgiveness for his wrongdoings, which I often pointed out and he would deny to this day. One day, he literally left me out in the cold for hours with no one to help me (there's obviously more to the story which I wont get into). And finally, there was one day where he hurt me the most. It was such a tragic incident that I cannot bear to make it so public as online. The pain from that day haunts me like the hour it happened. James tries so hard to console me to little help. Whenever I remember it I fall into such terrible heartbreak and despair that the only solace is a deep sleep which takes my mind away long enough to temporarily forget... until a long night like tonight where I'm bewildered with emotion. .I started this blog post being angry at a different man (not James), but as I wrote about different aspects of my anger toward him, I realize that the level of my emotion at his failings are only because he reminds me to a degree of this man. It seems that my ex is a model of disdain I have toward men. 

Whenever James has a flaw that reminds me of my ex, I basically completely lose it. If he goes too long without washing his hair, I freak out. Any flaw that resembles my ex flings me into this whirlwind of emotions. Why? Why can't I let go after so many years? I am safely with the man I love now, no fear of this other one ever appearing in my life. I'm so frightened by even the idea of seeing him again that I imagine seeing him everywhere. I'm terrified and angered and... everything by his existence. I fear that I am on the verge of hating him sometimes. 

Please pray for me! And for him. Please pray that I'm not too dead at work in the morning...

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