I had another one of those "you need to learn how to comfort me when I'm upset" discussions today. It's amusing how he and I work so differently. When someone is upset, my first inclination (which I've learned to hold back on for some people) is to hug, comfort, stroke their head, say soothing things to them... James' is to explain to them why they are being irrational . He told me that he thinks that by explaining to them where their thinking is flawed that will make someone feel better... okay, I'm actually not kidding,he really told me this.
So he asked me for suggestions to help him be more comforting and consoling...
...I'm at a loss.
What is it that people do that makes them good to talk to when you're upset? Before we were dating, James was always the friend I could go to when I needed a reality check and a good slap upside the back of the head (actually, several of my friends were good at that, but none got to the point quite as quickly or ruthlessly as he did). I went to the girls when I needed real comfort (my girls have always been good at acknowledging my failings, too, but they usually comforted me first). But now that James and I are together (and there is a very small number of good friends around, none of which are available on a regular or on call basis) (one of the few things I miss about college) it's getting harder and harder for him not to be my emotional support. I've studied psychology, I realize that the dangers of finding an emotional outlet outside of your marriage can be devastating to the relationship (particularly because I'm the type that tends to bond better with males) and I don't want to do that.
However, I have no idea how to tell him he can fix it. I know that he's more of a words person. He needs a step by step analysis of how to do something. He's the type that always reads the directions when putting something together (I can't stand doing so until I'm completely lost). He does not -I repeat- does NOT do well with learning by example. There may be a few exceptions to this, but I can't think of them now.
How do I help him help me?
I went online to look up websites that had this kind of information to perhaps get me better at explaining it in words rather than by example. That's where the frightening realization came in.
I'm marrying Sheldon. Now, I would never advocate this show to anyone due to its vastly inappropriate content. However, I must admit that at times it can be ridiculously funny, particularly Sheldon.
That scene reminds me of the time that James took me to the hospital because I was having trouble breathing (it happened several times in that location, but not once since I've moved from there... coincidence?). AS HE WAS DRIVING ME TO THE HOSPITAL, he kept going on and on and on about his problems, including his concern for how a situation was going to affect a friend of his (I later told him, "you can be so selfish when you're being selfless!"). I was to exasperated to scream at him, though I wanted to desperately. Although that night actually brings to mind fond memories. I was visibly annoyed with him and he asked what it was. I told him nothing and tried to go on but he wouldn't budge. And, for the first time, someone made me confront what was bothering me right then and there and clear it up. He admitted where he was wrong and pointed out where I may have exaggerated the problem. We consented and our friendship was strengthened by it. It was our first real conflict. And then... it was done. I didn't develop any deep embitterment, I didn't hold it against him (though I obviously still make fun of his oblivion). And that moment helped me grow in respect for the fact that he's a whole lot more humble than he looks.
I still want to know, does ANYONE have any advice on what I can tell him??? Anyone have any words about how to be comforting, reassuring, caring?
Meanwhile, I'll try not to be too hard on him. He really is a great person.
That scene reminds me of the time that James took me to the hospital because I was having trouble breathing (it happened several times in that location, but not once since I've moved from there... coincidence?). AS HE WAS DRIVING ME TO THE HOSPITAL, he kept going on and on and on about his problems, including his concern for how a situation was going to affect a friend of his (I later told him, "you can be so selfish when you're being selfless!"). I was to exasperated to scream at him, though I wanted to desperately. Although that night actually brings to mind fond memories. I was visibly annoyed with him and he asked what it was. I told him nothing and tried to go on but he wouldn't budge. And, for the first time, someone made me confront what was bothering me right then and there and clear it up. He admitted where he was wrong and pointed out where I may have exaggerated the problem. We consented and our friendship was strengthened by it. It was our first real conflict. And then... it was done. I didn't develop any deep embitterment, I didn't hold it against him (though I obviously still make fun of his oblivion). And that moment helped me grow in respect for the fact that he's a whole lot more humble than he looks.
I still want to know, does ANYONE have any advice on what I can tell him??? Anyone have any words about how to be comforting, reassuring, caring?
Meanwhile, I'll try not to be too hard on him. He really is a great person.
That sounds sooo James. :-D
ReplyDeleteAnd would you really want him to change that much?
That said, I have no real idea of what you could tell him besides maybe LISTEN. Listen first, let the person rant, and then use guiding questions to help them reach their own conclusions to try to fix a situation. People generally will figure things out on their own with a little sympathetic listening.
I mean, sometimes you have to tell the cold hard truth (which James does SO well. Cough), but it can be done gently.
But how do you teach a guy to be a girl? A mystery for the ages. And not one I think any of us really want to be solved.
Oh, btw, we need to catch up again soon. It's been ages since we've talked.
It's not that I want him to change large aspects of his personality, but I do want him to be better at dealing with me because ultimately, that will help me be a better person.
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