Trying to calm down...

I've been having a problem with my adrenal gland lately, and it's making dealing with any sort of stress rather difficult for me. Apparently it's been rather shot and I need more B vitamins. I've been taking a suppliment and it helps with the day-to-day stresses, but when I have a real conflict then I just end up shaking.

I'll be honest, the apartment was awful due to the holidays. The adrenal problem has caused me to be very tired when I get home at night (11 hours at work and commute does that to you alone, plus for other reasons I'm gone 12-13 hours out of the day). I wanted to rest when I got home which only left Saturdays for cleaning (James and I will NOT clean on a Sunday). Well, that would've been fine except for the fact that I was either traveling or ridiculously busy from Thanksgiving on, which means the apartment didn't even get routinely cleaned and it was a disaster. I mean, terribly awful. I had stuff all over the floor in the kitchen from a brownie package exploding, and a whole bunch of other issues that came up at once. James was going through his stuff so there were piles and what not everywhere (everytime I'd come home from when he'd been cleaning, it looked worse than I left... that did little to help my anxiety problem lately, but now that he actually made progress by getting rid of all the stuff it's a lot better). I hadn't taken out the recycling for 2 months so it was just collecting and collecting. Then, guess  what happens? The FIRST day I had in 6 weeks to clean, (right as I'm starting to clean of course) my landlord stops in to check out something. I profusely apologized for the status of the place, explaining that we were working on it that day, but he's kinda a person who only hears what he wants to sometimes and I think he was blocking out everything within him to keep from exploding.

I got a letter today (it was small so I don't know when he put it in the mailbox, could've been up to 2 days ago) explaining that the apartment was unacceptable and listing off a few other things. I'm just like... ugh, I WISH he had decided to come up today instead of last week. Between the past weekend and yesterday, I cleaned up the floor and the stove, James got literally a station wagon full of stuff out of the place, I took out the recycling (though there's more that needs to go out already), and you can actually see more than a narrow path on the floor (actually, James is really bad about making usable paths and rather just puts his stuff everywhere). In fact, the bunch of stuff that still needs to be put up is mainly just against the walls, so it's basically good. I got a vacuum for Christmas, and intend to use it immediately upon its arrival, I cleaned off the table... basically we got tons done. Ya, it's far from perfect (won't ever be the home of a neat freak while I'm there, let's be clear right now), but we got so much done that it's really good.

Of course, when the landlord comes again he's gong to think that this was all only a response to his implied threat of kicking me out if I didn't shape up (although I did all of this before I got the letter today). That's frustrating. I have to get the landlord to come down and look at the front door because it's stuck (thankfully, stuck closed and locked). I've been using the back door to get in and out which is more than mildly annoying because of the scarey dog that lives across the street. My and my landlord's work schedules have us basically never in the house at the same time except on weekends (he works late, I work early), so I don't want to fiddle with the door until Saturday when I could get him if I can't fix it (or worse, get it stuck open...)

Anyway, after that happened, James and I had a little bit of a fight... and I'm just trying to calm down from that. I don't know if it's the fight, the cold, or some combination, but I'm shaking really badly right now. I sent an email to James, and then he called almost right after I sent it. He kept asking if I was okay, and I insisted that I basically was. At the end of the short call he said, "You still sound a bit annoyed" and I replied, "Well, if I am than I'm not able to talk about it now." I've been getting a bit tired of how he's always insisting I talk about what's bothering me RIGHT NOW. I can't. I just can't. I don't mind sucking it up every now and then and talking about it when I'd rather not but with the anxiety at it's high right now, I simply refuse... especially when most of the reason I'm angry is because he's constantly insisting that I talk about a problem before I'm emotionally equipped.

Plenty more to say, no time to say it. I hope everyone had a great Christmas season and New Year.

Well, I need to go