I'm pathetic

All week, I've been sorta looking forward to having a day without James. He lives a lot closer to me now, and is here almost every day. We spend almost the entirety of weekends together and it is absolutely wonderful, but somehow, my time is sucked away like a vacuum when he's around. I was excited to get all sorts of stuff done when I found out he wasn't going to be here today. The apartment is starting to come together (emphasis on starting), but there is TONS to do all the time. My room is still a wreck. I just have had no motivation to get it ready when there's nowhere to put everything I have right now. This is largely because my beloved has taken up most of my space with his stuff. I was gonna blast my music (which he doesn't like me to do with him around), clean a ton and go to bed early.

So I came home to an empty apartment. I ate a large dinner of leftovers started the previously filled dishwasher, and haven't done a darned thing since. I can't believe I miss him so much. This is friggin ridiculous! I've been in relationships before where I miss people, but it was more of an emotional dependence /neediness thing. Now it's like I'm missing my right arm. I like my right arm. It helps to complete me. Talking on the phone to my right arm really doesn't cut it (all analogies fail in some way).

We seem to have been drawing our constantly fighting phase to a close (this is me, so I'm sure it'll come up again). I must admit I've been so impressed with how he handles me in these matters. If I'm being erratic and irrational, he points it out. If I make a good point, he points that out with /almost/ as much ease. We both have admitted that there were times in arguments where we realized the other person was right, but our pride wouldn't let us lose just yet. But even through our worst fights, he's only grown in love for me. Even when every few hours there's another spat, he wants to spend time with me. It... kinda freaks me out at times. I thought that everyone was supposed to dislike me the more they got to know me (at least with guys this has been the case). But... no one knows me like he does, and every day he just wants to be around me more.

I can't explain how this is such a new feeling for me. I've been in relationships before. Heck, I've even been engaged before. It was so completely different. I was never really happy, though I tried to convince myself I was for a long time. Everything about this has been different. He proposed in almost an exactly different way, we disagreed on almost exactly the opposite wedding things (though I had no luck with either fiance about groomsmen outfits...), and they have very polar opposite personalities... The day I realized that I had problems with my then-fiance was when I asked a friend of mine (who was also engaged) "Are you half as terrified as I am?" She talked to me for hours and helped me realize a few things. Now, I'm not terrified. I'm frustrated beyond all reason that I have to WAIT 5 HORRIBLY LONG MONTHS and 11 days (but hey, who's counting). I'm irritated, anxious, a little nervous, impatient, ect, ect, ect. But there's no fear. In fact, most of the negative emotions have to do with the fact that we have so long to wait (and I'm the one who insisted that we HAD to have at least 6 months to plan everything). It's actually quite relieving. I know that I'm with someone that will clean the bathroom for me and buy me flowers after he screws up like he did last week (the day after I told him that I'm a sucker for flowers, he bought me a pot of purple flowers (yay, these ones will live TWICE as long as cut flowers!). He really is so sweet when he wants to be... but the best part is... I'm happier than I ever thought I could be. A person can care for you and do all sorts of wonderful thigns for you and it mean absolutely nothing to you. But through God's grace I have found someone who lights up my world the way I do his (though I'll never understand why). He is good to me and good for me. He certainly doesn't put up with any of my crap, and he helps strengthen me where I'm weak. I never knew I could be this happy with someone!

Pardon the mushiness. I'll leave some disinfectant for the vomit.