4am

It's 4am, and I'm awake.

It's basically normal for me to awaken sometime during this hour. I generally need to go to the bathroom, change positions, or whatever, and then go back to sleep.

I can't.

The reason is because I'm sobbing too hard. I'm on this new medicine (a different one from my previous blog posts). This medicine is less controversial, so I'll be more frank about it. It doesn't matter what it's called, because I can't spell the darned thing anyway. The fact is that it's not working.

I was taking prednisone in addition to this new medicine (more on that later) and I was supposed to start tapering off after a couple of weeks. I decided to try yesterday, and I woke up with a huge flare up in my left elbow and a smaller one in my knee. Now, this is actually improvement to only have two problematic joints, but you must understand that that's just about as consoling as the phrase "President Mitt Romney" is to this country (ie. a heck of a lot better than where we are... but come on!). I tried once more last night not to take the prednisone, but here I am, awake and sobbing.

My elbow hurts. I just took my prednisone, but I'm running out. I only have 5 left and I'm not sure what to do. Do I give this new medicine more time to try and work?

This is an increasingly frustrating situation because:
1) There is a host of potent medications out there that I could easily afford and be able to use... that is if I wasn't Catholic and getting married. I can't use methotrexate because it's an abortifacient. I originally had qualms with using it in my early Catholic days, but my (nominally) Catholic doctor helped me realize that it's not a sin if you have no possibility of that effect.

2) I was on a good medicine, but with getting off of my parent's insurance and solely onto my work insurance, I can no longer afford it. With my typical 80/20 plan, that puts me at over $1,400 every other month (all other expenses excluded). While I'm willing to TRY to make this work if it's absolutely necessary... I honestly just don't think I can. (PS, I got off of that medicine a while ago because it was actually found more potent than necessary, so it's not strictly a cost issue, but with it not even being a real option in the future, my heart breaks a little) but my doctor also recommended against using that drug if I were ever to get pregnant.

3) I'm consistently having to take time off of work to see the doctor (I have other health issues that need to be addressed, too, you know), talk to doctors, call doctors, think abotu calling doctors... it's just too much.

One of these days I sincerely hope to make a trip to Lourdes.